The Big Story
"Thank you for joining us, today is November 8, 2022. My name is Amelia Martinez. The Big Story continues today as we enter the fifth week of what appears to be no scandals in Washington D.C.. We go live to Craig Bricker, reporter from our affiliate station, WHOA. Craig, what can you tell us about this continuing controversy about a lack of controversy?"
"Thank you Amelia. I'm here in front of the Capitol Building with Capital Police Special Investigator, Daniel Kattery. Sir, is it true that there are currently no investigations being conducted at any level in Washington D.C.?"
"I can assure you, it is quite the opposite. There are somewhere in the area of a hundred investigations currently being conducted by our department alone. What we find troubling is that not a single investigation has turned up anything more than minor incompetence in over four weeks."
"You say these are ongoing investigations?"
"Normally, the department does not comment on ongoing investigations..."
"There is nothing normal about these circumstances. This lack of scandal is a major cause of concern for the Capitol Police. I've been instructed to pass any hint of scandal to all interested media outlets..."
"But you haven't told us anything in five weeks."
"That is correct."
"Is it possible that the Capital Police are suffering from 'minor incompetence' as you put it?"
"We are a thorough and professional group. I assure you, if there is scandal to uncover, we will find it."
"I hope so, investigator, for your sake and mine, I certainly hope so."
"Amelia Martinez here. Special Investigator Kattery, what would you say is the cause of this massive lack of scandal?"
"Well, Amelia, it appears that Washington D.C. is finally taking its roll as protector of the American people seriously. Partisan bickering is at an all time low. No new laws have been introduced in this session of Congress. Instead, lawmakers seem to be far more interested in going through the vast tomes of current law and striking anything deemed unenforcible, convoluted, or preferential with a strict eye on guaranteeing the Bill of Rights. Its as if everyone in Washington D.C. is suddenly immune to the corrupting influence of power."
"That is a truly harrowing picture you paint for us, sir."
"It is quite worrisome, Amelia, but I do believe it is only a matter of time before Washington slips into her old ways. I do not think it is possible for this to go on much longer. It is simply unsustainable."
"I do hope you are correct. Thank you, Investigator. Thank you, Craig. We now turn to William Greasy for an editorial about this ongoing crisis. William, it's good to see you..."
"Is it, Amelia? Is it good to see me? Currently, I think the world is sick of us! I think Washington D.C. has declared war on the media - a war worse than the war perpetrated by forty-fifth president Trump, who had the audacity to call us 'fake'! Instead of a headstrong blowhard that couldn't keep away from the media, we suffer a blackout! Our enemies wish to starve us! They mean for our total destruction! What is the news out of D.C. today? Another law that hasn't been enforced since the 1800's is now struck from the books? What a marvel! How am I supposed to make hay with this?! There is no copy! I'm here with my dick in my hand, Amelia! We have nothing to sell the American people...!!!"
"Oh my... Thank you, William. In other news, the NFL is considering extending it's regular season to twenty games a year if this lack of scandal should continue. They site ample coverage and the sliding cost of advertisement as enticement. Sonja Sawyers is in Indianapolis talking to players about this."
"Thank you, Amelia. I'm here with starting right tackle, DaMon Jackson of the Indianapolis Colts. DaMon, what do you think of extending the season another four games?"
"Well, last year I would have fought such a thing tooth and nail, but this year, I'm kind of bored off the field. It's the only place I face any opposition. Driving to work was a pleasure despite bumper to bumper traffic. Several of my fellow commuters waved, smiled, and took pictures. 'DaMon! DaMon! Give us the salute!' "
"Did you give them the salute?"
"Of course, and they just thought it was hysterical. Last week, half the team thought it'd be a lark to kneel during the anthem. Half the crowd cheered and half the crowd booed, but when it was over, nobody seemed to care!"
"It appears as if the lack of scandal in Washington has made it impossible to antagonize anyone..."
"This is not healthy for America! What's next? What happens if the Chargers don't want the ball next week? We won't even be playing games anymore! What we need is some functionary in DC to rip off the American people, but more than that, we need him to get away with it, so the people can be indignant once more! Do it for America! Is there not one single patriot in all of D.C.!?"
"Well, DaMon, I believe I speak for everyone at the network when I say, hope springs eternal. Back to you, Amelia."
"Thank you, Sonja. And that about does it for our coverage today. For the remainder of the program we turn to Harriet's Live Squirrel Cam, as she feeds peanuts to our four legged friends and the occasional magpie interloper. Be brave, America, and may God watch after us all in this dark time. We promise to interrupt our programming with even the slightest of scandals. For Channel Eight News, I am Amelia Martinez, signing off..."