A Love Letter to Podcasters

Hello my dear internets!

Loving citizens of this digital utopias, I am so happy we are plugged in-together! Let me tell you of my over-infatuation with the electronic art of podcasting! My brother turned me on to this pleasure so many years ago. I cannot tell you when, though I can give you a good estimation (it is a bit of a math problem - you may want to skip this part):

If a podcast leaves the station blaring No Agenda Show at a rate of "NOW TWICE A WEEK!" and it started boarding passengers just after episode 150, how many years would it have to travel to reach episode 1050?

If you said 900, then you guessed it! I'm almost nine hundred episodes old!

...and it isn't just No Agenda! The addiction goes straight to the veins! There's all of No Agenda's affiliates and break-offs including Dvorak Horowitz Unplugged and Nick the Rat's bizarro world / music variety show! But it doesn't end there. Indeed, that is just the beginning! The School Sucks Podcast informed me that school blows - but education rocks! I joined the PeaceRevolution over at tragedyandhope.com where I spent my time studying history, and listened to Agenda31 speculate on law - until Corey and Todd put the show on a long term hiatus.

I was "out there", lost in the RSS feeds. The addiction was all the worse as I banned myself from television and movies for the most part. Podcasts and other forms of internets became my main distraction (mostly reaction and cringe videos on YouTube). So I might talk to everyday strangers, I added the Joe Rogan Experience and a writing podcast that to this day still says "has been" in their introduction - where they mean to say "is". Bu nobody gets everything write - and they may not be able to right - but they sure can sell a book (something I haven't managed).

Next came the fringe conspiracy and occult podcasts, because when you're "out there", you might as well stay "out there" and see what there is to see. First was the Higherside Chats - a conspiracy interview show that features the flowery introductions of Greg Carlwood. Some of his guests don't deserve your attention for even the free hour - but many of them deserve the five dollars for an extra hour of each show (that's five dollars for a month of shows - not five dollars each show).

I've pitched money at Carlwood for over a year to have access to his bonus content - and I don't regret it one bit! I've made it work for me! From time to time, one my coworkers has the nasty habit of assigning me beliefs and accusing me of being any sort of mainstream! When he does this, I accuse him of being "in" on the Flat Earth conspiracy and having pictures of the ice wall at the edge of the earth. As the volume rises, I associate his accusations with out and out lunacy. It is a rather enjoyable way to short circuit someone on an intolerant rant. Just start your own incomprehensible diatribe as you back away from the situation with all possible haste and continue to wink and nod like it's all a big joke. The fires of delusion burn bright but quick, and my coworker usually forgets his accusations before the next time I come around needing his assistance... but I digress. We were having a pleasant chat about podcasts, and I had to drag in the flat-earth...

Grimerica became my next podcast. Hailing from America's Great White Hat, Darren and Graham have a casual Candanavian podcast that likes to talk suppressed technology, the occult, and occasionally contemplates the deep philosophical nuances of the question: If one should encounter Sasquatch, should one shoot it? Perhaps my favorite part of the show is simply listening to normal people, about as smart as me, struggling with topics far above their pay grade! Are their angels and aliens, and grand conspiracies among men? Why do I expect Darren and Graham to have my answers when I do not?! I feel that's a bit too much unwarranted pressure - and I'd rather listen to Darren and Graham speculate than listen to Alex Jones scream about the papers he's never going to show me.

Next came Rune Soup and Occulture - at which point my stable of fringe interview shows was bursting - but I didn't give up any of them! Instead, I added, like a man obsessed! Congressional Dish with Jen Briney  as she exposes the frauds in Congress?! Yes please! The Astrology Podcast, to finally clear up Mercury Retrograde, and stir up new calamitous star formations (like the dread Sade Sati)? Sign me up! Cruzin' with Steak? Friends to Know? Tangentially Speaking? Duncan Trussell Family Hour? Come on in! Visit my earholes! How are you, my lovely disembodied friends!? I only wish you could hear me! I think we should have such wonderful conversations...!

And so it goes. Somehow podcasting has become the ruling media of my life. I still read a lot. I watch television every once in a while - so I can remember how bad most of it is (though occasionally you get a show as good as Godless [a solid B+]), and movies aren't much better than television. I still listen to music, especially when I write. I find it impossible to write when people speaking at me - but I love it when they sing (you may already know of my obsession with Madonna). But it is podcasts that have my attention first and foremost! (note: it is never the NPR try-hards and their re-purposed radio shows.)

So there it is, podcasters! My love and adoration, placed on the never-ending alter of the intertubes! the world wide webz! those magical dump trucks and very small tubes that connect us all! I hope you like it! I made it interactive for your surfing pleasure, and I ask that the internets bless us all! May our download speeds be faster than they clock, and our glitches be few! Amen!

M. Andrew Jones
Ancient Alien Theorist & Baron of America's Mountain